Navigating Conversations: Essential Insights on What Not to Say to Stay-at-Home Moms
- Nona Kocher
- Aug 25
- 4 min read
I answer some questions over at PureWow about what NOT to say to stay at home moms.
"SO, WHAT DO YOU DO ALL DAY?"
BY EMMA SINGER
•
PUBLISHED AUG 21, 2025
Parenting is hard, any way you slice it. But if you’re a stay-at-home mom, a lot of people might not see it that way. (Or if they do, they might judge you for having the capacity to do it.) I should know—I was a stay-at-home mom for years before going back into the work force and I was met with my fair share of weird remarks. With that in mind, I spoke to a psychiatrist about what not to say to a SAHM. Because we all deserve to be seen and valued for the work we do, wherever and however we do it.
Meet the Expert
Dr. Nona Kocher, MD, MPH, is a board-certified psychiatrist dually licensed in New York and Florida. Known for her integrative approach, Dr. Kocher treats a wide range of conditions including depression, anxiety, panic disorder, ADHD, bipolar disorder, OCD, PTSD, insomnia, and schizophrenia.
1. So, What Do You Do All Day?
It might sound like a harmless inquiry, but Dr. Kocher points out that this question comes off as sarcastic and can make a SAHM feel completely unseen. “Parenting involves meal preparation, playing with children, helping with homework, occasionally cleaning the home, running errands, planning schedules, and attending to the emotional needs of every family member. The busy pace never lets up. The work is physical and mental,” she explains, something any SAHM can confirm.
I remember fielding questions like this on the regular (often from my—now former—partner) and just wanting to blow my lid! What did I do all day?! Oh, I don’t know—I vacuumed with an infant attached to my tit, washed all the dishes, whipped up some baby food and then washed more dishes, failed at putting a toddler down for a nap and then managed multiple meltdowns on the way to the playground before returning home and doing meal prep so you could eat dinner! Let’s just say that if a SAHM wants to tell you how she’s spent her day, she’ll likely be happy to vent about—there is no need to ask her in this manner.
2. You’re Lucky You Don’t Have to Work
This remark is problematic for several reasons. Dr. Kocher explains the biggest one: “While it may sound like a compliment, it overlooks the fact that staying home is work. It involves long hours, no paid time off, and constant responsibility. It can also mean giving up income, career opportunities, or personal time.”
I will add that it’s also not necessarily lucky. There’s a misconception that every SAHM has made that choice from a place of personal preference and been privileged enough to do it on account of her partner’s income. Some mothers, like me, might have liked to continue working in some capacity but were obligated to stay-at-home and do the bulk of the child-rearing for financial reasons. (The cost of childcare is outrageous, after all).
In other words, don’t assume it’s luck or privilege just because the grass looks greener on the other side.
3. When Are You Going Back to Work?
And then there are the moms who are all-in on staying home; it’s incredibly meaningful to them, they work their butts off at it and find the work to be very fulfilling, and that should be recognized and supported, not belittled. Or, as Dr. Kocher puts it, “This remark assumes that paid employment is the default or more valuable choice. For many, staying home is intentional and meaningful, not a placeholder until ‘real’ work begins.” I’ll say it louder for folks in the back: we’re all really working here.
4. It Must Be Nice to Relax at Home
OK, I hate to belabor the point, but this one is just plain ridiculous. Everyone understands that paid employment can be overwhelming, stressful and not always something you want to do. But here’s the thing: that’s true of our unpaid employment, too. Indeed, Dr. Kocher says that a comment like this “not only misrepresents the reality of the role but also disregards the emotional intensity, unpredictability, and constant multitasking that parenting demands. It can leave a mother feeling that her hard work is invisible.” And I can tell you from personal experience that the only relaxing thing about being a SAHM is that you won’t get fired if you have a glass of wine at 2 p.m. (but I don’t recommend getting into that habit).
5. I Could Never Do That, I’d Be So Bored
Per the expert, “this type of comment infers that nothing is challenging, mentally stimulating, or exciting about being a stay-at-home mom and that the only way life can be rewarding is to work outside of the home in a salaried position with an official title.” The reality is that there are plenty of challenges and opportunities to think on your toes and be a real type-A boss lady when you’re a SAHM. When I put in my years as a SAHM, I wasn’t wanting for challenges or stimulation, and I didn’t care that I wasn’t getting paid because I knew the value of my work.
That said, what I struggled most with was a feeling of isolation; I wanted more adult company, I wanted to be seen, valued and understood. So do your SAHM friend a favor and be that person for her.
Comments